Often times, I will meet with people in consult calls or therapy sessions, who earnestly want to get their sh*t together for good. They will sigh an exasperated sigh and say, “I’m so tired of dealing with this, I don’t want to have to think about this ever again.”

I get it. I don’t have to imagine how frustrating it must be to want to make a change so desperately and feel hopeless, helpless, and powerless to do anything about it because I’ve been there.

Therapy is a valuable tool for facilitating personal growth, healing, and self-awareness. When matched with the right therapist, you can uncover patterns, process trauma, and navigate life’s toughest transitions. But what happens when therapy starts to feel like a dead end? Just like any other relationship, the one you have with your therapist needs to work for you—and sometimes, it doesn’t.

As a trauma therapist, it may surprise you that I have a love/hate relationship with the term “trauma.”  Trauma is defined by a neurobiological RESPONSE to an overwhelming threat and NOT by a specific event or experience.

In The Guardian article here, Canadian physician and trauma expert, Gabor Maté explains , “Trauma, from the Greek word for ‘wound’, is not what happens to you; it is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you…it is not the blow on the head, but the concussion I get.”

Many of my clients struggle with communication, in fact, that might be the main goal when entering therapy for the first time. “I want to communicate better with my partner,” for example.

It makes sense. We are often taught to use our words to tell another person what we want and need, and how we feel.

But, there’s a catch! If you don’t know what you want or need, or how you feel—then what does it mean to tell someone else?