The Green-Thumb Therapist: How learning from Mistakes Made Me a Better Therapist
Mistakes are inevitable, how can they enrich your career? Answers here.
Early in my career, I moved in with my partner, who brought two houseplants that belonged to his late mother. They were barely hanging on, but a new obsession was born. I was already working in community mental health, and while I had a handle on astrology and fitness, I knew if I wanted to keep these two fragile plants alive, I had to take this task seriously. Fortunately, I soon discovered that the pothos and snake plant were two of the most low-maintenance varieties I could own.
Over the next decade, I worked toward my goal of having a flourishing houseplant in every room. The original plants fully recovered, and I became confident in my ability to propagate new ones. My success was a point of pride, not just for the plants, but for keeping my mother-in-law's memory alive. But a few days after repotting some of my plants with new soil, I noticed my propagations were droopy and infested with gnats.
I was convinced the soil was to blame, a belief that the internet seemed to confirm. Frustrated that my plants had been jeopardized through no fault of my own, I went back to the store. The employee calmly asked me about the type of soil, plant, and my watering routine. My immediate thought was, “How dare she assume this was my fault?” I politely answered her questions, but left feeling frustrated that she wouldn't admit their store sold me bad soil. Defeated, I sat in my garage and saw the words printed on the front of the bag: "Outdoor Potting Soil." OOPS.
The Real Lesson: A Therapist's Growth
This mistake taught me a powerful lesson about a human tendency that many people, especially those with a trauma history and anxiety, often struggle with: defenses. Humans are hard-wired for survival, not contentment or joy. When our defenses are up, their sole job is to protect us from pain, and they operate automatically. In that moment, I needed to blame someone else to protect myself from the failure of having harmed my plants. I was so focused on blaming the supplier that I was not open to exploring any other explanation—even when the answer was literally right in front of my face.
I was so defensive in the plant store that I didn't hear the plant specialist's questions. I only focused on her "lack of accountability" for the mistake. If you're a trauma therapist or therapist for anxiety, you understand this behavior is a common manifestation of a protective network. When our defenses are active, we can become blind to other possibilities and double down on our problems. We often continue to search for a predetermined solution rather than staying open to other answers.
From Defensiveness to Grace
This experience perfectly illustrates the importance of exploring our defensive networks. They serve a purpose—to help us survive—but if we don’t acknowledge and tactfully disarm them, we end up operating just like I did in the plant store. We become so determined about our original theory that we can’t see the truth.
In a therapeutic setting, we explore these defenses with patience and compassion. The goal isn’t to eliminate them but to understand them so you can choose a more contemporary and convenient way to cope. When you learn to disarm your defenses with grace, you can arrive at your own conclusions, take responsibility for your actions, and, like my plants, start to flourish. The answers are often right in front of us; we just need to be open to seeing them.
My mistake with the outdoor potting soil turned into a powerful metaphor for my work. It taught me that learning from mistakes is not just about admitting fault but about understanding our automatic defenses that keep us stuck. By doing the work to explore these internal survival mechanisms, we can move from a state of frustration and blame to one of grace and self-awareness.
Ready to feel more in control of your life? Begin your journey here
